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Live Feed updates Friday 8/31
BelleJar:
Jameka: Like you said, you've gotta make moves and once its over its over.
Eric: This is the worst case scenario.
Jameka: I don't know. What can you do?
Eric: Do you have days where it almost seems unbearable? I feel like take you guys off, and just send me home. I'd rather sit in silence at the jury house to just be out of here. I feel like no matter what my motivation, no matter what I'm trying to accomplish you just can't do right by anyone and you can't win. Its one thing if it affects me negatively, but to feel like I'm affecting others negatively its awful. Like I said a couple of weeks ago when I was nominated, I came in thinking that thirteen people were in my way of winning, and I should be thinking that I have four more people to dump off, and there is no debate that is going to beat what I've done, but that's so far out the window its unbelievable and I'm feeling like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I'm a very strong willed person and everything I do is wrong all the time, either in the game, or personally wrong. I cannot juggle the things that are happening properly. For all of the wonderful times I feel like there are times I've disappointed everyone. I can't take it anymore. I went to lay down and my head was about to explode. I couldn't consider falling asleep, and I keep thinking what the ****, how did this happen. Its bad enough trying to juggle from a game perspective, and evaluate it strategically both for myself and the people I care about in the game.
MamaTo4boys:
Bellejar you are my hero, there is no way I can type Eric :lol:
BelleJar:
Eric says that the people here mean more to him than the game now.
Jameka starts to talk about the Dustin thing and some of the things that Eric has done.
Eric is justifying why to vote out Dustin. He says that if Dani was HOH then he and Dustin would have been up, Amber votes for Dustin, Jess votes for me, it doesn't matter how you voted, because Zach and Jen would have voted for how Dani said. I think I would have been gone two weeks ago if I didn't vote Dustin out.
Jameka: mhhhmm
Eric: I said to you many times, I didn't think she (Amber) was in support of me in her competitive aspects. There were many aspects of it, Zach's not strong, etc.
Jameka: Mhhmm
Eric: And then the absolute worst case scenario unfolds, how can I feel good about the decision that was made. It wasn't what either of you wanted. I know how you feel about me as a result of it. I'm going to be held accountable for it. I'm sure you're partially blaming me foryour situation. I feel terrible about it.
Jameka: For me not so much, he was going to put up whoever he was going to. I knew I was going up, I just didn't know if it was going to be you or Jess.
Eric: I'm sitting there and I'm like in complete and total disbelief for two and half hours. I don't know what I should do, laugh, cry, overturn the thing, run away, run harder. I watch all of these shows and when I say my ass and my friend's ass is on the line I'd step up and do anything I have to do. Not only was I unable to do that, but I got killed. It was awful.
BelleJar:
I actually GET eric, scary!
Eric: I really care about you. I don't know what she's (Jess) told you, but I really, really care about her alot, and not in the scope of she's my partner in this game. I just feel miserable, a useless piece of crap. I'm someone who in my life would do anything to protect my friends and family. My friends that are my close friends have been my close friends since I was nine, I don't have people that I don't trust, we don't let each other down, we see eye to eye, we support each other. and I feel helpless like its a runaway train I can't stop here. The way I feel today is that I have three options and none are good. One, I'm going to lose the game because I'm going to make decisions not based on the game. Two, I'm going to win the game and in return lose my dignity and personal relationship. And, three, I'm going to lose the game and the personal relationships. I can't juggle it anymore. I don't know what to do. I want to scream - someone get me out of here before I can do anymore damage. I'm sure its not the right way of looking at it. I'm sure I've done good things, but in the manner in which this has unfolded I just feel helpless.
Jameka: Mhhmmm
Eric: I just don't know what to do. Do I want to stay? I do. So far I've won one or two competitions, it doesn't mean I'll win. IF one of you win, I'll be thrilled, but then I'm going up and going home. That's another scenario.
Jameka: That's an option .
BelleJar:
Eric: IF none of us win, then one of you go home. If nothing really great happens in our favor one of us is going home. I feel like a lot of its on my shoulders and I'm having a very difficult time living with it.
Jameka: Yeah.
Eric: NO one has to believe me, I feel like an idiot, but I wish it was me sitting there.
Jameka: No you don't. Don't say that.
Eric: Yes, I do, its not fair for people to be held accountable for bull**** reasons. I mean what was the likelihood that he would have won, but even if the other two would have won, I'd hope they would have put him up. Meanwhile, you're sitting here in your situation, having defended us to the grave, Jess has won the last two she's played, and then I go out when we need it badly and get my ass kicked. I don't lose, I get killed.
Jameka: You still have veto. YOu won last week. None of these scenarios are worth talking about it until veto tomorrow. You winning is the best case scenario.
Eric: That's a lot of pressure which is why I'm actually having a break down. THere's certain competitions that I'm going to be better at. Like the art gallery, I'd have been okay, but the percentages I would have gotten my ass kicked. You can't prepare for it, it either works fo ryou or it doesn't. I keep thinking that how could I have been prepared for yesterday? Run around central park with a little tea cup.
Jameka: Even the rat one
Eric: That was luck, it wasn't based on power or speed or smarts. It was luck. You either get it or you don't.
Jameka: Yeah. That's true.
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