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Hamerotz Lamillion 2: The Recaps

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Jai Ho:
Hey there! I'm a newbie to the board, and I'm a lifelong TAR fan. I've been reading TAR recaps on TWOP since they started, and have seen the majority of English speaking TAR episodes (USA/Australia/Asia/China Rush) and about half the Latin American ones, and all the Hebrew ones. I am pretty proficient in both Spanish and Hebrew, I love to write, and I figured that it might be time for some TAR Israel recaps, since I find the show hilarious and I want to share the hilarity with the non-Hebrew speakers. I'm currently working on a recap of Episode 1 of season 2 and I hope you'll enjoy them. I'm also known for giving up on projects, but hopefully I get some  :hrt: here and some laffos to encourage me to keep on doing this. If you don't like it, well... :lala ...just kidding, let me know how you feel  :)

Here goes nothing...

Jai Ho:
Recap: Episode 1, HMLM 2 (TAR Israel 2)
Sunrise! Aerial  shots! David’s Tower! Jerusalem! Bus! Dome of the Rock!

And we have a new host this season, Ron Shahar. Seems to be more Phil-like than Raz Meirman, slightly less cute. He’s standing atop a tower in Jerusalem, even though we’ll actually be starting in the awesomely-colorful Teddy Stadium in Tel Aviv. Huh?

Anyway, 11 teams, 1 million shekel (like 250,000 dollars), the world…but wait! New twist! Last team to make it to the airport won’t be on the plane. Israel, get ready to meet Eric and Lisa 2.0.

Teams arrive at Teddy and de-bus.

First team: Alon and Oren. Brothers, one’s a lawyer and one’s a CEO. Oren appears to be the one with the glasses and Alon the leather jacketed slacker (I believe). They are very close and kind of look like Baldwin brothers. They like to argue, as they demonstrate for us in a shouting match which I fear we’ll be seeing a lot of, and Leather calls Lawyer insane, who argues that he is well-balanced. Leather (who refers to lawyer as Oren, and so it shall be) is gay, and compares himself to their mother who apparently is a “nuclear disaster” who calls people in supermarkets homos for fun. Let’s see how that pans out for you on the race, guys. Alon argues that all gays cheat at checkers. Looks like they’ll be a scream. Then they play racquetball, talk about how different they are and that it completes them and will help them win the race. They say that no matter what happens, they’ll always be brothers, but they may or may not speak after the race depending on how well they do.

Next up: Tom and Adele. He’s a soccer goalie, and she…apparently just finished high school with a degree in waving pom poms and wearing circle skirts. I don’t think they make an A-level for that. He scores a goal, and she apparently is more interested in talking on the phone. They met through Facebook because Tom liked Adele’s (jailbait) bikini pix. They’re dating (sigh) and bicker a little (sigh) but seem kind of cute and relatively palatable. She’s American and he makes fun of her. He calls her hard to restrain and a baby, she calls him a baby, and I can see this is going to end well.

Next off the bus: Anael and Akiva, a religious married couple from Tirat Yehuda. They talk about religion, he wraps himself in tefillin and she reads from a bible and casually waves to her. She talks about modesty and that she won’t be in a bikini. Wow, shocking news, that. He talks about how pretty she is, and she’s actually quite pretty, possibly even prettier than most of this season’s girls. Then we see them on a picnic which is so obviously staged, he picks her a flower and she smells it and it’s wonderful and they share food and say blessings and are generally borderline cute/robotic for the next few minutes. I don’t want to like them, but I kind of want to think they’re cute in an underdog sort of way. Let’s see how long they last.

Next up is our first chick team: Tal and Mor, a mother and daughter who are neon colored and loud and jump off the bus simultaneously without falling or bumping into each other. Tal’s a fitness instructor with six pack abs and breasts that look like they belong on a competitor on the East German Olympic team and an accent to match. Mama pretty much dominates the confessional and Mor talks about how hot her mother is, and we see Tal leading a fitness class, the kind that makes everyone uncomfortable. You can tell that Tal is all natural, but in a manlike-sorta way. Tal says her doctor believes she’s reversing evolution or something, and yeah, she looks pretty beastly so we’ll go with that.

Our next team is Hen and Alon, kickboxing instructor and model, married 1 year. They seem like a combo of goofball and airhead, and I’m not sure what to make of them Hen says she initially thought he was short and insecure, but Alon insists that good things come in small packages, and the word “package” makes Hen laugh because she’s a fourteen year old girl in a lime green bikini. They clean and iron and make fun of each other and apparently Hen has eyes in the back of her head because she tells Alon to stop making faces at her.

Next up are Osnat and Carmit aka Kibbutz Ladies 2.0 hopefully with less stomach infections. From Kiryat Ayin (where else?) they’re loud, proud, and pretty much kick ass in their confessional, rocking out in traditional Yemenite costumes and doing the dancing around a fire and all that jazz. Osnat (the non-gray-haired one) does the “ai-yi-yi” thing, and Carmit wants to go to India but not Japan because of nuclear reactors (?). They ramble on and it’s adorable and are seen doing a powerwalk and watering plants.

After this, we have Bar and Inna. Bar is the one with the Russell Hantz hat, and she’s a painter. Inna is the Paris Hilton looking one who plays with a dog while Bar sketches. They may or may not be lesbians but they’re pretty damn well on their way what with the hugginess.

Firass and Shira are next, and they’re from Nazareth in the north of Israel. He’s Muslim, she’s Jewish, gasp! They’re just like Romeo and Juliet! They are seen sharing a falafel in an utterly cute way and romping around Nazareth to the tune of Mandy Moore’s “In My Pocket”. They are friends because of their brothers. Shira says Firass would be perfect, alas he’s not of her species, er…religion. They seem fun, but we’ve got 2 more teams to go, so we’ll leave them to their falafel.

Moti and Pundak are next and you can already tell that they’re the Shay and Guy of this season. They come from Petach Tikva. Moti is a DJ and he introduces himself and his partner and describes his partner as the dumb one. Homoerotic vibes flare as they sit next to each other and play around on Facebook (really, producers? That’s the one activity you could have them do?) and Moti comments on Idan’s nose which is quite large. Moti says if Pundak was a girl, he’d sleep with him. So they’re metrosexual. Nonetheless, they talk about gingers and practice shooting each other’s faces blah blah alpha males, next.

Next up are probably the most interesting and the most doomed pairing, Nitzan and Fifi. Not surprisingly, Fifi is the girl, and rather cute at that. Nitzan does a cute little dance as Fifi jumps on his back as they disembark the bus. They have an interesting relationship I don’t think the show has ever seen: boss and employee. Fifi comes from a family of bakers, and Nitzan’s been working in Fifi’s bakery making burekas and rugelach and wants to show her that he’s more than just an employee. They then are seen playing around a swimming pool. Fifi talks about being more than a blonde, just like Hadas and Inbal from season one (that worked out pretty well for them, hope Fifi brought a makeup mirror to smash in leg 1) but I’m distracted by big ole Nitzan floating the background before he hilariously upstages Fifi by falling off the little raft into the water. Team Burekas affirms its place on my love list when Nitzan announces he’ll put the other teams into a pita. Heh.

Final team: a Bettie Page-looking chick named Alona and her drummer from Gadi. They sing “I’ll Stand By You” and it sounds horrible. Gadi knocks over the drum set and they horse around to Elvis songs. Alona wants Gadi but she’s super young and he’s got a wife and kids. They’re kinda cute but not really athletic, kind of like remnants of the fifties.

Teams enter the stadium, gladiator style, in no particular order. Tom, Adele, Hen, and Alon (the kickboxing one) delusionally wave to imaginary fans. Tal and Mor dance around like idiots. Let’s start already.

Teams line up in a semicircle, and Not Raz explains the rules, including the new twist. Gasps all around. One million shekels, let’s all clap, and in a rare, possibly rule-breaking move, Anael wishes good look to the nearest team who happen to be the brothers, who respond kindly. And…they’re off!

Awesome theme song and opening credits. Israeli editors, you’ve won my Emmy.

Jai Ho:
Ep 1, Part 2:

And we’re back, and the first twist of the game – their cars are way up in the air on tractors. Holy ****. They have to untie a rope, get the key, climb a ladder, key into the car, turn it on, and then be lowered to the ground and receive their next clue. Maybe Fifi should have borrowed Hadas and Inbal’s mirror after all.

As teams are running, Anael over-comments about the twelfth team, “stress and pressure.” You’ve been on the race for all of ten seconds. Teams freak out at the tanks but start untying. We focus on three teams in particular: Anael and Akiva who talk about how difficult it is but seem to be doing well; Tom and Adele who have no clue what they’re doing; and the brothers who are bickering and saying something about everyone being brothers with Alon in charge. But it’s Anael and Akiva who get their key first along with ear-splitting shrieking from Anael. They celebrate and Anael comments how people see religious people as smart but not athletic. Kind of true, but trite. They start to climb up, and Anael is scared. Jewess Shira takes a break from untying the rope to remark to Muslim Firass that “the religious chick is climbing in her skirt like she’s climbing the Kotel (Western Wall).” Tee hee. Tom and Adele are finished and start to climb. Jazz plays, so that must mean Bettie Page and Partner get some screen time and indeed they do and aren’t doing too well. Alona blathers about travel agencies and the bourgeoisie, but they get it untied magically. Alona’s having trouble climbing though.

Brothers are also climbing, and it appears Adele and her spindly legs get to the top before anyone else, but brothers and Anakiva aren’t far behind. The brothers get in the car and are the first to get lowered, and Adele screams at Tom and laughs at him for being scared of standing that high up. Um, I’d be scared too. Then Adele freaks out as Tom almost puts the car into gear. I really hope that no teams actually do that, or else this may be a shorter race than the producers intended.

Brothers get the clue first and it’s a route info task. Ron explains that the teams must drive to a wheat field in Rukhama at Nahal Shikma, where they will be greeted by an Israeli choir in full choir attire singing oom-pah-pah. Each car has a clue locked in a plexiglass cage on the dashboard and to elucidate further, teams will need to figure out that the songs the choir is singing correspond to three colors of the country’s flag to which they are going (red, white, and green, although this may not be necessary as we will see). Then they have to go to another field, search for the correct colored balls with a number code to unlock the cage to get the clue to their next country. I’m guessing it’s either Hungary or Italy. Damn, and they haven’t even seen the inside of an airport yet.

Back in the race, Alon and Oren are team number 1 and Oren jokes about coming out of the reality TV closet. Back at the cranes, Tom and Adele get lowered while Alona swings aimlessly nearby and Tom comments on the fatty swinging on the rope. Hey Tom, that’s only funny when you do it to your own partner; see TAR USA, Season 1, Leg 1, Kevin and Drew (swing you fat bastard!) Anakiva beat Tom and Adele to the ground and get the clue in second. They quickly get on brainfarting down the road as Anael wonders what the clue means by “cage” (maybe she didn’t notice the big ole box on the dash) and Tom and Adele have a funny exchange where neither of them have a clue what “south to the Negev” means and Tom tells Adele to slow down (re: stop yelling) and she repeats the clue very slowly as if he’s retarded and it’s pretty funny. But then it devolves into utter stupidity as Tom argues about the tone of Adele’s reading skills. Oh dear. And we’re only like ten minutes into the race. This is going to be a long one, folks.

Back at the cranes, Tal and Mor get their key with much screaming and the Yemenites get theirs with less celebration. Carmit comments on the buff chicks and on Mama Tal’s body and Alona and Gadi concur. Kickboxer seems to be draping the draping the rope around his wife’s neck. Pundak and Moti, Bakers, and Firass/Shira are untied and climbing now. Pundak takes a tumble off the rope and Shira channels her inner Cruella De Vil encouraging him to fall. What a ray of sunshine, that Shira.

On the road, Tom and Adele spot the sign for Rukhama and Tom sings to drown out Adele’s yammering. They are following a car who turns out to be the brothers. They agree to look for the wheat field together.

Nitzan yells at Fifi to hurry up on the ladder. Carmit gets onto her platform. Mom/Daughter and Not Romeo and Juliet are being lowered and in an odd montage, all of these teams plus Alon/Hen and the dudes get on the road. Shira thinks that since her boyfriend is Arab he knows all the Arab towns around Nahal Shikma. Cut to said Arab boyfriend in the backseat, rolling his eyes. Teehee. They play some kind of stupid car game where FIrass lauds Shira zzzzzzzzz. In Team Burekas’s car, Fifi is freaking out once again about her worst nightmare, driving through Arab villages, and Nitzan offers to drive. She declines.

Bar and Inna appear to be the only team still doing the ropes and Inna is doing some sort of pointless arm-binding. Alona and Gadi are still on the ladders and it’s not looking good for them. Alona says she’s seizing up. Bar and Inna shimmy up the ladders and the Yemenites (who apparently didn’t leave in the big montage earlier, much to my surprise) get lowered and comment that Cleopatra (Alona) is having problems. Oy vey, no love for Alona. On the road, Carmit comments that she’s going to drive like a bandit, and Anakiva are singing like they’re at Jewish day camp. Akiva spots the green tractor which marks the clue and Anael concurs and they bounce

Brothers and Tom/Adele see flags, park, and run to the clue, whereas Anakiva appear to park right there.

Brothers get the clue first, rip and read. Ron explains the clue and Oren commands the choir to start singing and on cue, they start. Anakiva get the clue and she comments on how cute they all look in white and compares it to Shavuot (as you do). For reference, I understand the songs but as a non-Israeli, have no clue about their connection to color. So I would not be leaving the country. Let’s hope these guys know something I don’t.

The first lyric is about the ground, and Tom assumes brown (nope!) and then blue, for the sky and the Israeli flag, Adele adds (wrong!) Anael and Akiva are rockin’ out, oddly enough, and Oren demands quiet – and it pays off, since he gets the first color, which is red, due to a lyric about Mt. Gilboa, which has a red top, apparently. Either way, he gets a “correct.” Alon comments that it could be just about anything that it could be anything and Oren shushes him so Adele and Tom won’t hear them, and of course they hear him and get the red clue.

Elsewhere, the Yemenite ladies disturb some old guys in a park and guilt trip them into helping them (we’re in a race and we’re old ladies!) Inna and Bar are in the middle of nowhere and happen on an abandoned guardpost which frankly looks megasketchy but Inna insists Bar get out and ask someone. There is nobody around. I can see this strategy working well, especially with the ominous music starting to play. For whatever reason, Bar gets out, and for some odd reason, Inna backs the car up STRAIGHT INTO HER PARTNER AND RUNS HER FOOT OVER. 0 for 2, Inna, 0 for 2. Lots of screaming and the camera pans to Bar lying on the ground. Inna screams and Bar tells her to relax, then the pain kicks in and Bar very gracefully cries. If this were China Rush, there’s be a lot of bleeping right now. Inna pops out of the driver’s seat and three men (probably one of them a cameraman/producer) have magically appeared to comfort Bar and asks what happened. Um, didn’t you feel the clunk of your partner being run over, hear the screaming, and see the chick on the ground? DO THE MATH. Bar must be okay, because we see her in a confessional looking alive and well and Inna comments that she got the chills and was stressed out. But enough about me, how’s your severed foot, partner? Inna continues to talk about herself as Bar hauls herself back up and into the car. If I were her I wouldn’t get back into the backseat, but maybe I would if I couldn’t move my foot to the gas. Bar graciously forgives Inna and they get back in the race. Sheesh.

Back at the cranes (hopefully for the final time) Alona finally gets up to the platform and comments that it was like seeing angels at the top of Jacob’s Ladder. I’m beginning to think Alona might see other imaginary creatures too. Gadi is proud of her anyway as she freaks out all the way to the ground and they get the clue in last place. In their car, Alona points out her jungle tights and comments on the fashion choices of the mom and daughter, which are suddenly very important to her. Speaking of mom and daughter, here they are getting out of their car. Tal’s butt hurts. For some reason, I’m not surprised since it’s probably all bone and tissue. Mor voiceovers that her mom is not a dominatrix and then says some sort of analogy I’m not familiar with which concludes with them getting into the car, Mom giving a motivational speech, Mor whining, and Mom calling her daughter a Barbie. That’s right, kick her while she’s down, Mother of the Year. Elsewhere, Nitzan and Fifi are stopped, lost, and silent.

----

That took me about five hours (no lie) so I need a break. Back later with more - leave a comment if you like :) Also, if anyone has any creative team names so I can stop typing full names, post them.

Mine so far:
Anael/Akiva: Anakiva
Alon/Oren: Brothers, Lawyer and Leather
Alon/Hen: Kickboxer and Wife (lame I know)
Osnat/Carmit: Yemenites
Bar/Inna: nothing yet!
Firass/Shira: Romeo/Juliet (lame I know)
Tal/Mor: Mom/Daughter (lame I know)
Gadi/Alona: Bettie Page and Pinocchio
Nitzan/Fifi: Bakers, Team Burekas
Pundak/Moti: the Dudes (lame I know)
Tom/Adele: nothing yet!

georgiapeach:
AWESOME Jai Ho!!

 :bigwelcome to RFF !! I haven't watched because I find it so frustrating to not be able to understand, but your help will inspire me to watch now!!


:tu

Jai Ho:
Thanks, georgiapeach! I've been reading this forum for years and only registered today. I don't, unfortunately, have oodles of time to be active in other parts of the forum and lurk all day, but if someone has a question about TARI that I might be able to answer, send them over to me and I could help.

By the way, I currently live in Missouri City, Texas, USA of all places.

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