Racing Report
Amazing Race
Season 16 (What the hell happened to season 14 and 15 you lazy SOB), Episode 1
Title: “Nana is Kickin’ Your Butt”, spoken by Michael as 71 year old Nana runs pass Louie and Michael (Go Nana!).
Date: 11/28/2009
Provided Funds: Undetermined
As another season starts on tv’s greatest adventure (yeah you heard me Survivor!), the camera pans through some undetermined american city where we see Phil (pause, drool, repeat) who inform us that 11 teams of two (yeah thank god were still doing that) will embark on a whirlwind (ie tightly controlled) race around the world for $1,000,000.00 (or about $350,000.00 per racer, what you didn’t know Uncle Sam is on your team? Well see if that works any better for you then it did for Hatch).
The Starting Line: Vista Hermosa Park (still waiting for teams to actually leave from the offices of WorldRace Production, Inc.) As the eleven teams disembark from the Amazing Race Bus (which has taken a 9 year trip from New York City to the City of Angeles and Breast Implants. We meet:
Brent & Caite - Dating Models from South Carolina: Caite is best known for being the spokesperson for the geographically challenged (Dustin, Kandice, Christie, Nicole, and Kelly are eternally grateful not to have those 15 minutes of fame).
Jet & Cord (key annoying western theme that is going to be played ad nauseam for the rest of the season) brothers from Oklahoma, both professional cowboys (yeah doggie).
Steve & Allie - Father/ Daughter from Southern Cal. Steve is a professional baseball coach while apparently Allie is nothing.
Dan & Jordan - Brothers from Rhode Island (Twins), Team Gay All the Way (kidding Dan go pick up your fragile straight male ego at the door).
Dana & Adrian - High School Sweethearts married 17 years, and probably not a day longer. Adrian took their life savings and put it into a business that failed miserably. Just a word of advice Dana, why don’t you do the leg work from now one, just a suggestion.
Jordan & Jeff - Fame Whores dating long distance who meet during Big Brother 11. OMG don’t show us footage, My Eyes, My Eyes make it stop!!! WTF she doesn’t know how to tell time!!! No seriously, she says this. Caite is now presented an honorary doctorate in geography.
Jody & Shannon - Grandmother/ Granddaughter both tri-athletes. Jody is 71 and she still rocks.
Louie & Michael - Undercover detectives (well so much for that) from Rhode Island. We get to see their auditions for Reno 911.
Monique & Shawne - Best Friends and Attorneys (oh that never ends well). They are Moms that make it happen. Add one part Gina & Sylvia + one part Heather & Eve = a team that wont be here very long!!
Joe & Heidi - Married Parents from California. Their leader is “Big Joe” who likes to keep knocking into Heidi, I hate him already. I really miss seeing Lori knocking the **** out of Bolo. I mean really.
Carol & Brandy - Dating Lesbians from Los Angeles. Ok, I am confused. Lipstick lesbians with bull dike hair cuts. I don’t get it.....
Quote: “We will win the race if we rip open a clue and have it say find the nearest Louie Vuitton, we’re golden.”. Let’s see are Oswald and Danny on this race...No, well then ladies good luck with that.
Teams are directed to LAX via public transportation (meaning CBS really cut the budget) where they will find two flights available but only the first three teams will receive tickets on the first flight.
Route Info: Fly to Santiago, Chile.
Jordan & Jeff (followed closely by Dana & Adrian) ask a bus driver for directions and are directed to Union Station and told ot take the Fly Away bus.
Monique & Shawne are pleased to find a black person who directs them to Union Station. Carol & Brady also get directions from a local driver.
Brent & Caite are waiting for a bus, when Dan & Jordan pass them bye screaming out, “We love you Miss Teen Carolina”.
Cut to interview footage of Jordan doing a near perfect impersonation of Caite’s speech, which busts Dan up.
Mike tries to shame Louie into moving faster as, “A little old lady is doing better”.
Steve & Allie and Joe & Heidi are first to the 7th Street Metro Rail followed by Brent & Caite and Dan & Jordan before the Metro takes off (it runs every twenty minutes).
Jody & Shannon and Louie & Michael miss the first train.
QUOTE
Jeff: I think we’re going to Guatemala?
Jordan: China?
Well, how about not even close.
Jordan doesn’t recognize any of the names of the places they are traveling to. Jeff asks is she ever watched, “Where in the world is Carmen Santiago.” OK Jeff gets a pass from me for this episode.
The bus arrives at LAX first as teams scramble to the American counter and attempt to get flights in the following order.
1. Monique & Shawne
2. Jordan & Jeff
3. Dana & Adrian
Who each get the first flight.
4. Carol & Brandy
5. Joe & Heidi
6. Steve & Allie
7. Brent & Caite
8. Jet & Cord (still have no idea how they made it to the airpot)
9. Dan & Jordan
We never find out which team out of Louie & Michael and Jody & Shannon arrived at American first.
While waiting for flights Jordan gives his Caite impression to Carol & Brady (OK, way to beat a dead horse, it was funny the first time, 2nd not so much).
Jet & Cord trying to get a leg up on the next part of the race exchange their US currency for the Brazilian Real. Of course the currency of Chile is the Chilean Peso, so good luck with that.
Brandy is praying for bad weather in Dallas or for major mechanical problems, but someone forgot to tell her Divine Intervention only helps Brandon.
Oops, apparently I spoke to soon, as the airline official announces the first flight’s (which is already late to depart) plane is probably going to be replaced. And I am absolutely sure that is exactly the time of free advertising that American was try for in signing up as a sponsor for this season.
A new Slogan. If we think your flight is going to break apart into a thousand pieces in flight, we might replace it with another flight. Remember you seat cushion can serve as a flotation device.
Dana & Adrian (followed by Jordan and Jeff then Monique and Shawne) change flights to the 2nd American flight. What is nice to see is Jordan (Of Big Brother) asking if they can have seats up front this is normally (if the border of the plane is near the front) a good move, and it actually surprises me that she said it.
When Jordan (Of Dan & Jordan) see’s the three other teams arrive at boarding he says,”Oh, SNAP!”
Girlfriend not only is Jordan gay, he is gay all the way.
Flight #1 (originally with Monique & Shawne, Jordan & Jeff and Dad & Adrian)
AA 2448 departing LAX at 1350 arriving at DFW (Dallas/Fortworth) 1845
AA 945 departing DFW at 2110 arriving at SCL (Santiago) 944
Now thanks to Neobie we have actual times. The flight was delayed leaving LAX until 1452 and arrived in Dallas at 1845. This did leave teams enough time to stick with their original flight (but thats hindsight). In situations like this better to stick with the pack where you have a one in 11 chance to get eliminated then for a huge delay putting you in the position of having a one in three chance of being eliminated.
Flight #2 (which in fact does carry all teams)
*And Neobie or Aprskip could shoot me down on this one
AA 252 departing LAX at 1430 and arriving at MIA (Miami) at 2215
AA 957 departing MIA at 2345 and arriving at SCL at 1010
When teams land in Santiago then will have to shuttle into town and get to one of the main bus stations.
Phil: When teams land they will need to scramble for buses to take them another 60 miles to the city of Valparaiso, Chile, famous for its system of funiculars (Something I had never heard of before watching TAR) which help the locals travel the steep hillsides. Valparaiso is known as the [SPOILERS!] San Francisco of South America.
Once in Valparaiso teams make their way to the top of Ascensor Villaseca where they’ll find their next clue.
In truth getting to Valparaiso teams will travel to the area of Vina Del Mar and find their next clue on the overlook of Wulff’s Castle. They will then travel to Ascensor Villaseca.
Teams take (at least) 3 different buses from Santiago.
Bus #1
1215 holds Dana & Adrian, Jeff & Jordan, Brent & Caite, and Monique and Shawne
Bus #2
1230 holds Carol & Brandy, Steve & Allie, Joe & Heidi, and Dan & Jordan.
Jet & Cord discover that their Reais are not taken in Chile, they must take time to exchange to Peso’s this makes them miss the 2nd bus.
Bus #3
Louie & Michael, Jody & Shannon and Jet & Cord.
The bus ride is supposed to be roughly an hour and a half.
Teams arrive at Valaraiso and get into cabs in the following order:
1. Jordan & Jeff
2. Brent & Caite
3. Monique & Shawne
4. Dana & adrian
5. Carol & Brandy
6. Dan & Jordan
7. Joe & Heidi
8. Steve & Heidi
9. Louie & Michael
10. Jody & Shannon
11. Jet & Cord
Now with us missing a route marker, we don’t know where teams had troubles, but teams then make their way to the top of Ascensor Villaseca and find their next route marker in the following order:
1. Brent & Caite
2. Jordan & Jeff
3. Joe & Heidi
4. Dan & Jordan
5. Steve & Allie
6. Carol & Brandy
7. Monique & Shawne
8. Dana & Adrian
9. Louie & Michael
10. Jody & Shannon
11. Jet & Cord
Roadblock: Who has the balance of a cat and the courage of a lion?
In a city where you can see old fashion laundry lines strung between windows daredevils have expanded the concept into the ultimate rite of passage (Sex on Wires?) cable walking (really thats the Ultimate Rite of Passage?).
In the roadblock teams must balance precariously 120 feet above a Pit of venomous snakes (well that would be more Ultimate, don’t you think) and walk across a cable the length of a football field. When they reach the other side they’ll receive their next clue.
Racers start the Roadblock in the following order:
1. Caite
2. Jordan (of Big Brother)
3. Dan
4. Allie
5. Joe
6. Brandy
7. Shawne
8. Adrian (Don't forget to remind Dana that she thought you should do this task)
9. Louie
10. Shannon
11. Cord
QUOTE
Jody: I have the balance of a drunken elephant on stilts. We start losing our balance at 40 and I’m 71.
Dan loses his footing and ends up pulling himself across on his arms.
Brandy, quickly volunteers for the Roadbock, but soon has problems loses her footing and sets on the wire, but is soon able to pull herself up and continue across.
Adrian falls completely off the cables and is dangling from the safety wires, he is unable to pull himself and has to be pulled back by safety personal. After taking a break he makes his second attempt.
Teams finish the roadblock in the following order:
1. Brent & Caite
2. Jeff & Jordan
3. Dan & Jordan (I think he moved faster pulling himself then walking across)
4. Steve & Allie
5. Joe & Heidi
6. Carol & Brandy
7. Monique & Shawne
8. Louie & Michael (who makes it across before Adrian falls the first time)
9. Jet & Cord (Cord seems to fly across)
10. Shannon (who is already across before Adrian makes his 2nd attempt)
Phil: Teams must take one of Valparaiso’s 120 year old funiculars down the hillside where they’ll find their next clue. They take Ascensor Artilleria.
Brent & Caite walk down the hill instead of taking a funicular.
Jeff & Jordan and Dan & Jordan take the same funicular. Joe & Heidi and Steve & Allie take the same funicular, all other teams are by themselves on the funicular.
At the bottom of the funicular teams find the next route marker.
General task: Time to Paint the town.
Multi colored homes are the visual calling card of Valparaiso. So much so, that when the salt air damages the paint the city pays for the homes to be restored. Now teams must join in the beautification effort.
Teams must choose four cans of paint and supplies (a ladder and two brushes) and carry them up the steep incline of Templeman Street searching for the house matching their paint color. When they complete painting an unfinished section of the house the local painter will give them their next clue.
Teams find their matching homes and start painting in the following order:
1. Jordan & Jeff
2. Brent & Caite
3. Monique & Shawne
4. Dan & Jordan (who lost time searching for a lost paint brush)
5. Jet & Cord
6. Carol & Brandy
Steve & Allie find a house that has red being painted in the inside, so they go inside and finish the painting. It isn’t part of the task and are told by a local they don't know how to paint.
Michael finds a house with graffiti on it and paints over it. It is of course not a home they were supposed to paint, nor does it match the color of their paint.
QUOTE
Carol: Where looking for a Martha Stewart teacomb green from the 1997 collection...before jail.
Teams complete this general task in the following order:
1. Jordan & Jeff
2. Brent & Caite
3. Monique & Shawne
4. Dan & Jordan
5. Jet & Cord
6. Steve & Allie
7. Joe & Heidi
8. Carol & Brandy
9. Louie & Michael
10. Jody & Shannon
Route Info: Make your way on foot to the Pit Stop, Palacio Baburizza.
Teams must now make their way by foot to Palacio Baburizza. This 90 year old chalet is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race. THe last team to arrive will actually be safe
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Teams arrive at the Pit Stop at the Palacia Baburizza in the following order:
1. Jordan & Jeff (seriously) - who win a trip to Vancouver
Brent & Caite arrive but are penalized 30 minutes for not taking the funicular.
2. Monique & Shawne - about 9 minutes after Brent & Caite
3. Jet & Cord - If not for the exchanging money error ended up just smoking through this says tasks.
Dan & Jordan arrive and are penalized 15 minutes for losing one of their paint brushes.
4. Steve & Allie
5. Joe & Heidi - who are arrive at the same time 26 minutes after Brent & Caite arrive
6. Brandy & Carol - 29 minutes after Brent & Caite arrive
7. Brent & Caite
8. Dan & Jordan
9. Louie & Michael - Who are shellshocked that they did this poorly. They say it’s not happening again
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10. Jody & Shannon - Who are exceptionally happy to still be Racing
Phil has to make his way to the top of Ascensor Villaseca where he eliminates Dana & Adrian. After their elimination Dana asks and is allowed to attempt the roadblock. She performs it with no real problems.
So there we have it the first episode of a season.
Two penalties (a record for a season opener), and an on location philimination (also a record for the first episode).
