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Racing Report Leg 4

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mswood:
NOTE:  Due to the nature of the bumbling, batch of baboons racing this season I couldn’t resist the chance to offer my insightful commentary over the ensuing high jinx.

I will try and get this weeks episode out by Saturday.  And try and catch up on the earlier legs in the next couple episodes.

Racing Report
Amazing Race
Season 16 (What the hell happened to season 14 and 15 you lazy SOB), Episode 4 (WTF, I thought seasons started with things called episode #1,2,3....)
Title:  “We Are No Longer In the Bible Belt”, Cord tells Chet after Chet notices the ample supply of Hookers (well since Jet recognizes them we can assume those they actually have in Oklahoma.)
Date:  12/03/09 (well for a little bit at least)
Provided Funds:  Undetermined

Jet & Cord leave the Patagonia Pit Stop outside the city (yes that is what those lights are, WTF did he think this was Close Encounters of the TAR Kind) of Bariloche, Argentina.

Jet & Cord  10:57pm (apparently the only team that gets to leave the Pit Stop this week!)

Clue:  Make your way to Hamburg, Germany.

Phil:  Teams must now fly (my pretties) more then 8,000 miles to Frankfurt, Germany.  Where they then must catch a train to the city of Hamburg.  Once there, teams will race on foot through the busy city in search of Jungfernstieg Street where they’ll find their next clue.

I don’t know Phil thats a long street to go looking on, got anything else to narrow the search a little.

Jet & Cord drive themselves to Hayland Travel Agency (at Moreno 126 6to Piso, Bariloche) to book travel .  

Personally I called Neobie, its faster and more accurate.

All teams travel from San Carlos Bariloche to Buenos Aires.

AR 2681 departing (SCB) at 1110 arriving at (AEP) 1313

Teams must then shuttle ti Pistiani  (EZE) International Airport.  Shuttles run every 30 minutes (per Apskip).

Teams then take three different flights to make their way to Frankfurt, Germany.

Flight #1 (well not really but it worked out that way) holds Jet & Cord and Louie & Michael.

AF 417 departing EZE 1800 to Paris, France (CDG I assume) arriving at 1100 (1127 actual arrival time, thats new when did we start getting actual times???)
 
AF 1918 departing CDG at 1315 arriving at Frankfurt (FRA) at 1435 (1424)

Flight #2 holds a bunch of homo’s oh and Daniel (Girl, you better sign me up for that flight!)

LH 511 departing (EZE) at 2150 arriving in (FRA) at 1500 (actually on time)

Flight #3 holds Jordan & Jeff, Brent & Caite (my god the IQ on that flight is taking a turn for the worse), Steve & Allie, and Joe & Heidi.

There is a multiple of flights one could take (and they each could have been on separate flights to Sao Paulo (GRU).

JJ 8070 departing (GRU) at 2315 arriving in (FRA) at 1400 (1527, yikes sucks to be on that plane)

During the long down time between flights teams discuss their fundamental problems:

Brent & Caite:  Just happy to start even (Boy Howdy)
Louie & Michael:  Upset about their performances (yeah guys your starting to make Andre & Damon look like a great team!!)
Brandy & Carol:  Unhappy about being bitches to each other, they would much rather be bitches to everyone else.

Quote:
Jordan:  Dan does not love traveling.  He kind of sort of hates it.  

WTF!!!!!!!!  Have you ever even watched this show before.  I hate Daniel so much.

Dan:  Jordan told me it would mean everything to him if we could run the Amazing Race together.  That it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted to do.  So, I’m doing this for Jordan, because I love him and I saw an opportunity to help my brother achieve his dream.


Ahhh, that’s so sweet I love Daniel so much.    God Damn it Editors, make up your mind!  Am I supposed to love em, or hate em?

Teams arrive in Frankfurt as Jet & Cord followed by Louie & Michael make their way to the train to Hamburg.

They catch:

ICE 721 to Frankfurt (main) 1537 - 1548, then
ICE to Hamburg 1558 - 1934

Brandy & Carol, and the younger thinner, and less funny Ken & Gerard miss that train by about a full minute.  They and all remaining teams catch:
ICE 574 to Hamburg 1642 - 2035.

In Hamburg, teams travel from the train to the Intersection (see I knew Phil was holding out) of Jungfenstieg and Reesendamm to look for the next Clue box.

Teams arrive at the Intersection, and discover an INTERSECTION in the following order.
1.  Jet & Cord
2.  Louie & Michael
3  .Joe & Heidi
4.  Carol & Brandy
5.  Steve & Allie
6.  Dan & Jordan
7.  Jordan & Jeff
8..  Brent & Caite

Phil:  All teams will now face (the most boring use of an intersection ever devised by man) an Intersection and must mutually agree to join forces with another team to complete the next challenge.

Jet & Cord and Louie & Michael team up (duh, their like an hour ahead of the next team)
Joe & Heidi and Steve & Allie team up
Brandy & Carol and Dan & Jordan team up
and Jordan & Jeff and Brent & Caite team up.

Clue:  ROADBLOCK  -  BUNGEE JUMP
Roadblock:  “Who’s ready to Reach New Heights?”

Phil:  For the first (and by God it better by the last) time ,ever, 2 people from different teams must work together to complete a daring Roadblock.  Newly joined partners must make their way by train to Hamburg Harbor, where they’ll perform a 150 ft Bungee, in the middle of the city.  Once they’ve taken this huge leap of faith together they’ll receive their next clue.  

The following racers pair up for the Roadblock:

Jet & Michael
Joe & Allue
Brandy & Dan
Jordan & Caite

Steve & Allie (or Joe & Heidi) have captured a Fern named Klaus who helps them navigate through the city.  Brandy & Dan also have a Fern as well.

Teams must make their way to Landungsbrucken Station to get to Hamburg Harbor.  Caite having experience with the New York Subway manages to get her and Jordan going the opposite direction.  The must disembark and get on the Metro.

Once at the Landungsbruken Station teams follow the marked path to the Bungee Cranes.  The arrive and get harnessed up in the following otder:
 Jet & Michael
 Joe & Allie (And with an hour lead Jet & Michael are nowhere to be seen)
 Dan & Brandy (arrive as Joe & Allie are starting to ascend)
 Jordan & Caite (arrive right before Brady plummets to her death).

Handlers warn Jet to remove his cowboy hat as he might lose it during the fall.  Jet says it will stay on.

Quote:  
Michael (as they are still swaying upside down):  Oh, My God, your hats still on!
Jet:  I Told you a real cowboy’s hat never comes off.

As Joe & Allie prepare to jump, Allie is gasping for air so hard it’s awesome.  While the bungee is hard on Joe’s already sore knee.

Brandy (who has bunged before) is absolutely terrified, Dan is actually really great reassuring her during the whole thing (OK editors I get it, I like Dan).

Jordan & Caite appear to be the ones who where most looking forward to it, they have a ball.

After completing the Bungee the pairs are given a clue that they cannot open until they reunite with their teammate.  

Teams return to their partners.

Route Info:  Find Kaiser Wilhelm.  You are no longer Intersected.

Phil:  Teams must make their way to the statue of Germany’s 1st Emperor, Kaiser Wilhelm, where they’ll find their next clue.

Teams arrive at the statue of Kaiser Wilhelm in the following order:
1. Louie & Michael (who wisely took a cab)
2. Jet & Cord (Who took the Metro and are just feet ahead of the next two teams, oh well their goes your hour lead).
3. Steve & Allie
4. Joe & Heidi
5. Jordan & Jeff
6. Brent & Caite
7. Dan & Jordan
8. Carol & Brandy

DETOUR:  Soccer or Sauerkraut

Phil:  In a city where food and sports are on everyone’s mind, teams must choose between two of Germany’s greatest traditions.  Soccer or Sauerkraut.

In Soccer teams make their way to this 100 year old stadium and play the most popular sport in Germany (really kicking penalty balls is their most popular sport...Lord I think even curling is more exciting then that).  They must then kick accurately enough from the penalty mark to hit five targets suspended in the goal.  When they do, they’ll receive their next clue.

In Sauerkraut teams make their way to this restaurant and take a seat at the table.  Then as the band plays the Sauerkraut Polka (And know we aren’t kidding) teams must dig in to a plate full of sauerkraut and polish it off before the song ends.  If the do they receive their next clue.  If not their plate will be replenished and they’ll have to take it once more from the top.

Detour Clue

Detour:  Soccer or Sauerkraut

Soccer:  Kicking from the Penalty mark, hit 5 specific targets.

Sauerkraut:  Eat a bowl full of sauerkraut before the end of a Sauerkraut Polka.

Teams choose the following Detours:

Louie & Michael - Sauerkraut
Jet & Cord - Soccer
Steve & Allie _ Soccer
Joe & Heidi - Soccer (Does Joe not remember he has a sore knee)
Jordan & Jeff - Random excursion out of town (Oops spoiler...Sauerkraut, after all they’ve both ate swill how bad could it be).
Brent & Caite - Soccer
Dan & Jordan - Soccer
Carol & Brandy - Sauerkraut

Teams arrive at the detour locations in the following order:
1. Louie & Michael
2. Steve & Allie
3. Joe & Heidi
4. Jet & Cord
5. Carol & Brandy
6. Dan & Jordan
7. Brent & Caite

Sometime later...

8. Jordan & Jeff

Joe & Heidi switch detours as they can’t manage to hit a single target.  Caite starts to cramp up (her leg..assholes...) but soldiers on after a bout of channelling her inner Flo.  

When Jordan and Jeff manage to find the Hamburger Burgahaus, they give up on the sauerkraut and switch to the soccer (No...Really...you eat that **** all through Big Brother.  Begging, begging for real food, and you can’t finish one bowl of sauerkraut....).

Quote
Cord (speaking to this brother):  You’ve got a nice set of balls, there.  :umn:

Teams complete the detour in the following order:
1. Louie & Michael - Michael just inhaled the kraut.

Quote:
Michael:  Eating challenge?  You’ve got to be kidding me.  I’ve eaten things as big as Jet & Cord.

2. Steve & Allie
3. Jet & Cord - Jet: We can add that to our list of firsts.  Cord:  Check.
4. Joe & Heidi - Who also knock out that kraut good job to both here.
5. Carol & Brandy - Brandy obviously eats like Michael
6. Dan & Jordan
7. Brent & Caite  - Caite makes sure to let us know that even hurt she got three of the five.

Sometime during the next leg
8. Jordan & Jeff

Route Info:  Make your way to Haifisch Bar.

Phil:  Teams must now make their way to the Haifisch Bar, the Shark Bar and share a glass boot (and that is one damn big ass boot) filled with Beer.  Once they’ve polished off the boot the bar maid will hand them their next clue.

Teams arrive at the Haifisch Bar and discover the clue:

Welcome to Hamburg
Share a Boot of Beer
Trade Your Empty Boot
For  a Clue.
Teams arrive at the bar in following order:
1. Louie & Michael
2. Steve & Allie
3.  Joe & Heidi
4. Jet & Cord
5.  Carol & Brandy
6.  Dan & Jordan
7.  Brent & Caite
8.  Jordan & Jeff

Teams find their clue and start drinking (let the belching and puking begin!) in the following order:
1. Louie & Michael
2. Steve & Allie
3. Jet & Cord
4. Joe & Heidi
5. Carol & Brandy
6. Dan & Jordan
7. Brent & Caite
8. Jordan & Jeff

Louie takes to the Beer like a fish to water.   :keeta:

Quote:
Allie:  This whole trip he’s (her Dad) been I want a beer, I can’t spend money, but I want a beer.  Your perfect challenge...My Dad’s favorite, best challenge.   :jam:

Cord:  I’ve never drunk a beer in my whole life.

WTF!!!!! But Jet has look how drunk he is....   :hosed

Jordan (the gay one):  We’re going to be **** faced.   :lol3:

Caite (to Brent):  Good thing you like Beer.

Ten minutes later Brent puking his guts out.   :lol3:

Jeff:  What do we do?  Drink a Beer?  HELL YEAH!!!...Belch...I’m a champion.   :yess:

Teams finish their boot and receive their next clue in the following order:

1. Louie & Michael
2. Steve (feeling no pain) & Allie
3. Joe & Heidi
4. Jet (so Drunk) & Cord
5. Carol & Brandy
6. Dan & Jordan
7. Brent (minus his lung) & Caite
8. Jordan & Jeff ( who want to come back to the bar if they get eliminated)

Route Info:  Make your way to Beatles - Platz
Phil:  Teams must now make their way (thankfully not driving) to Beatles - Platz, a monument (seriously that’s a monument, apparently size isn’t everything, who knew) honoring the Fab Four (now one and a half, I mean seriously Ringo...) who began their rise to fame playing American Pop songs in Hamburg.  They’ll then run (yeah after what they drunk, I think not) through Hamburg;s famed Red Light District searching for the Indria Club.  This tiny bar is the 1st place the Beatles played in the city of Hamburg and is the Pit Stop for this leg of the Race (what they get to sleep in the pantry?).


Teams arrive at Beatles - Platz in the following order:

1. Louie & Michael
2. Steve & Allie
3. Joe & Heidi
4. Jet & Cord
5. Carol & Brandy
6. Dan & Jordan
7. Brent & Caite
8. Jordan & Jeff

Quote:
Cord:  We’ve got a lot of Hookers on the left  (like he is a tourist guide).

Jet (with the title):  Cord, We are no longer in the Bible Belt.

Teams look through the sex shops, titty bars, and finally find the Pit Stop at the Club Indra in the following order:

1. Louie & Michael - Who each win a $5,000.00 Discover Gift Card (Peach there went the budget for this episode)
2. Steve & Allie
3. Joe & Heidi
4. Jet & Cord
5. Carol & Brandy
6. Dan & Jordan
7. Brent & Caite
8. Jordan & Jeff Who are sparred by a non elimination leg, and will face a speed bump next episode (I wonder how that turned out...).

apskip:
BRAVO, mswood!
I always look forward to your succinct and complete Racing Reports. May there be many more (plus maybe leg 1, 2 and 3 after-the-fact).

2old4tech:
Very entertaining, indeed.  Maybe a little too gentle on some of the teams, but, hey, maybe that's just me. }:>

georgiapeach:
Oh WELCOME BACK!! This just makes this season complete! You crack me up! :funny:

Hooky:
Very entertaining way to recap it, mswood! :jumpy:

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