(Thanks to Reality TV World)...
Joe Schmo - Episode 1
"The Best-Laid Scams..."
by Draco Malfoy
Before the show "officially" starts, we get shots from the pre-show meeting where they kind of break everything down. They tell the cast, "Keep it kind of normal at first, we can do outrageous later".
We start off with introducing the "characters"
Earl- The Veteran
Dr. Pat- The Quack
Hutch- The Asshole
Gina- The Schemer
Ashleigh- The Bitch
Kip- The Gay Guy
Brian- The Buddy (who is also one of the writers)
Molly- The Virgin
Matt- The Patsy (Joe Schmo)
Ralph the host comes up, very Joe Millionaire-esque, in riding gear on a white horse. He tells the "cast" that they will be on a show called "Lap of Luxury", trying to win $100,000. They are sent into the mansion in groups of 3, with Matt, Earl, and Dr. Pat being the last group, getting a bedroom with 1 king size bed. Matt immediately pegs Kip as gay, but apologizes profusely and keep reiterating that "He's an ally" and doesn't have a problem with it.
Challenge 1- Whose underwear is this? Everyone donates 1 piece of underwear for this challenge. The winner gets to sleep alone in the "Master Suite", the loser has to wear the winner's underwear for a day. Kinda silly, but our Patsy gets into it, posing in black speedos. Other high/lowlights: Earl in a leopard print thong, Hutch in crotchless panties, and Kip in NOTHING. The script calls for Matt to lose, but Matt (in what will become a running gag) actually answers more correctly than anyone and the writers have to scramble to switch whose underwear belongs to who, and hope the cast will pick up on it quickly. Kip ends up "winning" and Matt has to wear Kip's gold g-string the rest of the day.
Earl, being all old and stuff almost blows the gag two hours in by forgetting which pair of underwear was "his", but he and Dr. Pat manage to cover it up enough by saying he didn't have his glasses/contacts in so he had trouble making out what was on one of the pairs of boxers and got it confused which was his.
"Alliances" begin to form. Gina begins making real nice with Matt. Everyone shows off their Luxury "creature comfort" items. Kip has a Polaroid camera and scrapbook, Molly has a picture of her boyfriend (which she promptly leaves behind, confusing Matt), Gina has a dry erase board, Earl has nothing because "his generation never had any comfort", Brian has a 150 dummy named Albee, Dr. Pat has "therapy dolls" (which no one is supposed to touch), and so on and so forth. Gina takes the opportunity to mention how big a fan of Survivor she is... only to moments later totally blank on Dick Hatch's first name, referring to him only as "Mr. Hatch".
At the meal, Hutch begins going into full Asshole mode, discussing masturbation and picking his nose at the table. Later Matt confronts him in the pool and tells him that he's pissing people off. Later Ralphie comes in and tells them that the Tribal Council Riches to Rags Eviction Ceremony will take place the following night. Suitable tension follows.
The next day, while Matt is filming his daily interview, the cast is in the Winnebago of Doom discussing the day's storyline and being told to get more into their characters. Gina gets Matt into the billiard room with the revolver and sets up an alliance with him to the end. We all know how well this will work.
At the pool, Matt and Ashleigh have quality time. Angelique accidentally changes her story from being an only child to having 2 brothers, with suitable backtracking.
Challenge 2- Hands on the Immunity Idol High Priced Hooker. A hooker is brought out. The cast draws dollar bills from her bikini and panties to decide what part of their body will have to remain in contact with what part of her body. The winner becomes Head of Household Lord of the Manor and gets to wear the Pimped Out Immunity Necklace Robe. The loser has to sleep in the laundry room. The hooker removes her bikini top, exposing her breasts, and Matt recognizes her as a porn star. Whoops. The important placements are that Matt must keep his left hand on the hooker's right breast, Molly must keep her right hand on the hooker's left breast, and Hutch must keep his crotch on the hooker's right hand.
Now, according to the story, the last 2 are supposed to be Matt and Hutch. So naturally, Matt pulls away first, saying that he doesn't want to share another night in bed with Earl and Dr. Pat. SCRAMBLE TIME! So now they have to play this out, without Matt. Fairly early in the game, Ashleigh pulls out of the game and goes to her bedroom to "find" Gina's dry erase board. Hutch plays his part to the hilt, and when it is down to Molly, Kip, and Hutch, he harasses both of them into quitting, thereby winning immunity.
Meanwhile, Ashleigh and Kip pull Matt into the bedroom and show him the dry erase board, where Gina has written a ton of not nice things about each cast member except Matt and Earl. Everyone decides that they're going to vote Gina out. Gina and Matt meet by the pool where Matt tells her she's busted. Gina overacts a lot, and Matt kind of picks up on it, but thinks she's just trying to play him. Still, because of their alliance, he says he will not write her name on the ballot.
Pre-eviction fun- Kip suggests that everyone do imitations of the other cast members, and he will give the best one something. Matt wins easily with his imitation of "gay Scarface" Kip, although Kip nails Matt's "concentrating face." His prize, Kip gives Matt the master suite. Makes it much easier for the producers to keep track of him.
Tribal Council Eviction Ceremony. 9 "collector's plates" with each castmember's picture and name on it are on a table, and the cast gets in the same position. Ralph enters, and tells them that for one of them, the vacation ends tonight and that they will go back to their sad pathetic lives working for the man. I'm only barely making this up. Vote time, and everyone goes through the motions of writing their "vote", showing it to the camera, and placing it in an urn. Kip's vote- "The Hutch has one testicle". Earl's vote- "Lap of Luxury my ass". Matt's vote- Molly.
Ralph goes to tally the votes, and we see EVERY vote. The final score- Gina 7, Molly 1, and Matt 1. Gee, guess where that Matt vote came from. Gina has to serve Ralph her plate, and then address the rest of the cast. A delightful parody of Sue Hawk's "rat vs. snake" speech ensues. Matt rolls his eyes in disbelief throughout. Ralph finally has enough and takes her plate, throws it into the fireplace, and breaks it, saying "You're dead to us." Real cheery.
After the ceremony, Brian goes up to see why Matt was rolling his eyes throughout Gina's speech. He's worried that Matt saw through the overacting and ripoff of Sue Hawk and knows the gag. Turns out Matt put two and two together and realizes that the vote for him had to come from Gina. He's very bitter that she broke the alliance. Brian is just relieved that the gag still isn't blown. Later, Matt gets to say his good bye to Gina, or as he says, "Good Riddance".
Next week: Kip barges in on a game of pool and throws his scrapbook down to show that someone has taken a bunch of pictures of their butt and pasted them into the scrapbook.
Overall, a fun ride, with LOTS of references to other reality shows thrown in. I know I heard The Mole music in there a few times, and the Eviction Ceremony music was very reminiscient of the Tribal Council music. But DW and I think that there has to be a twist. Matt is just a bit too clueless, and has screwed up their plans twice now. Maybe the joke is on everyone else and Matt knows EXACTLY what is going on, and putting him in the Master Suite is their way of getting him alone to plan.
That said, I really think Mark Burnett would have a hell of a case against Spike TV if he decided to pursue a lawsuit.