OK OK OK I know I'm like a week and a half behind but it was Thanksgiving, I made my first jachnun (in honor of Osnat/Carmit
then had to proctor an exam
then stapled through my finger
but here's Episode 8. Warning: It's a LONG one.
It's already midnight here, and I'm going to do as much episode 9 as I can before I start getting woozy, and post that tonight. Promise.
Enjoy Episode Late (I mean
Tonight: Poland, and lots of arguing.
Sunrise in Croatia, and the first four teams (Facebook, Bros, Anakiva, and Hen/Alon) get (or are given, most likely) the first flight to Krakow. Taxis, lots of passing and clapping. I still have no clue where they’re going in Krakow. Moti/Pundak interview about how strong they are as a team. Some more pretty standard cab interviewing. Anael tries out some Polish, and she reveals that she goes to Poland every year on a “march of the living” – for those uninformed, it’s a pilgrimage to the concentration camps to memorialize the Holocaust. Anael is proud of being Israeli, and we find out we’re going to Krakow Square as Moti/Pundak arrive to the task first. The task is to recruit locals to carry a car with them to a line without touching the ground, and then pack into the car with all the people who helped them. A Polish tradition! (I have no clue what this task means. Sorry, Poles).
Team Facebook immediately sets out to gather six strong local guys among the onlookers. They move their blue car a little, but need one more guy. The brothers and Anakiva arrive at the square and follow suit. Alon and Oren struggle with the car, because it’s a heavy car. Anael isn’t even carrying for some reason, isn’t that against the rules? They knock over one of their carriers. Alon/Oren’s diplomacy skills seem to be failing them, as a couple of their guys get pissed off and walk away, and they’re back to square one. Team Facebook, however, is having trouble getting themselves and all their guys in the little car. They finally get everyone in…but Moti. After some imitated anal sex between Moti in the car, they have no choice but to put him in with his legs hangin’ out the window, which won’t do. Can they stuff him in the trunk? Commercial.
Back, and flight two (Tom/Adele, Bar/Inna, and Yemenites) lands in Krakow. Tom hopes to start the day off on the right foot. Osnat tries to convince Carmit to try out some Yiddish, and tells us that her family is from here, but they fell in a pool of chocolate. Heh.
Krakow Square. Hen/Alon arrive and start begging. Lots of carrying, and Hen/Alon, despite seeming to have just arrived, get the all-clear to start piling in their car. The guys get a kick out of Hen, and once they’re all trapped, the ten-second countdown starts and now the kickboxer and wife are in first. They get the next clue. But first – voting time! Hen/Alon choose the brothers for their strength (?). Brothers are now attempting to get in the car. Their timer starts, and they compare it to being in a cattle car. Over at the Anakiva car, Anael is literally squeezed against the dashboard as their timer starts. The brothers’ timer ends, and they pose for pictures. Anael gets pulled out of her car by her wrists. Over at the U-Turn board, the brothers U-Turn Tom and Adele in hopes they’ll self-destruct, and Anakiva, still bitter about the bridge incident from a million zillion years ago, choose the brothers. Akiva comments that CEO Alon thinks he’s the CEO of the race. Hen/Alon get in a taxi, Anakiva head out on foot, and the brothers get a little electric golf cart to drive them as ice-cream man music plays. They pootle along, noting everything that’s passing them. Commercial.
We see signs in Yiddish, and Hen/Alon are at the Jewish quarter with their clue, which is a video of three ladies. We find out that these three ladies are Israeli comediennes Tzipi Shavit, Irit Anavi, and Chani Nachmias. I will not be remembering these names, so they’re going to be Redhead, Curly, and LeAnn (because upon second viewing, she’s a dead ringer for LeAnn Rimes). The task is to make the ladies laugh with five Polish jokes. This is horribly inappropriate, but the show’s also had old ladies wrestling in chocolate and several uncensored curse words, so I’ll try to translate any jokes that may transcend, humor-wise. Hen/Alon don’t know any jokes, so they Google. The brothers get out a notepad and do the same. Anakiva get the clue, and Anael can’t keep a straight face for a second and her partner knows.
Cars. Tom/Adele and the blondes arrive. The blondes get to work quickly. Yemenites soon arrive, and recruit young guys to help the “old ladies.” Carmit starts rolling the car. Facebook? Still packing their clowns in the car. All three of the trailing teams start packing their people in, and a local enjoys watching Adele’s skirt go up over her rear as she climbs in as someone else cops a feel. Bar and Inna seem to have some breathing room in their car and the guys are only too willing to get in with them. Over at the Yemenite car, Osnat almost gets stuck and Carmit’s head ends up in her partner’s crotch. Their timer starts, and even though they can’t breathe, they can still sing. Adele and Tom are now, as are Bar/Inna. The ladies have little trouble getting out of their car. Tom/Adele, now in fourth, vote for Bar/Inna because they’re behind them, and Bar/Inna, now in fifth, return the favor so as to take advantage of Tom/Adele’s poor relationship. Commercial.
We’re back, and the Yemenites are now finished the car task, and…Moti/Pundak are last? Indeed they are. The ladies vote for Tom/Adele, and the deal is sealed. Team Facebook needs to redo the task. Osnat/Carmit giggle about the scenery as they catch a cab to the Jewish Quarter.
Jewish Quarter. Alon/Hen are ready to tell jokes and they call the comediennes. This whole task has a lot of choppy shots so it’s hard to determine who’s saying what, to whom, and when, but I’ll try my best. Hen/Alon tell a joke about a Polish girl going to her doctor asking why she’s losing calcium. The doctor says, I understand it. A smiley face appears in the corner of the screen, letting us know that they made the ladies laugh. The next one is: what’s the difference between a Pole and a worm? A worm eats you only after you die. Lol? Alon/Oren have a Polish mother, and Redhead warns the brothers to be nice. The brothers try a joke: Woman asks her Polish friend why she’s so tan, and friend says do you know how many funerals I’ve been to this month? A smiley for them. Akiva tells a joke about sandwiches that’s not too funny but gets a smiley. Oren says, why does a Pole wake up at five to make coffee? So at eight it’ll be cold! More jokes, rapid fire, and Hen/Alon and the brothers are done. Redhead instructs them to go to the Klezmer House, and once they get there it’s a detour, which is overly complicated. In one task, they must carry water backwards in leaky buckets and fill up to a line in a barrel (again, a la Double Dare) and in the other, they must identify an accordion song and eat several knaidlach (matzo balls) to get the clue. Both Hen/Alon and the brothers choose the water task, which honestly looks harder than the other one. They seem to be doing pretty well. Anakiva arrives at the detour, and choose to eat. They only get one note, and guess Fiddler on the Roof. They’re wrong, so they must eat. Akiva enjoys the food, as he eats it regularly. They get frustrated, and contemplate quitting.
Krakow Square (still). Moti and Pundak are in last and trying the task once more. They finally get it, now in last. They pick Alon/Hen for the u-turn board, but it’s to no avail. Back at the water task, Hen/Alon are doing well. Moti/Pundak do their best Alon imitation and head for the Jewish Quarter. Commercial.
Jewish Quarter. Bar/Inna arrive and bean their taxi driver with the trunk. Tom/Adele head to a hotel to look up jokes, whereas Bar/Inna get two smileys right off the bat. Tom tells a joke and LeAnn cringes. Tom does a similar cringe on his end of the line. No smiley. Another joke, and the ladies look annoyed. They don’t like him and they can’t even see him. Adele does a fakesy laugh but it ain’t good enough. The Yemenite ladies arrive and it appears they’ll be good at this as they get a smiley while Tom struggles for his first. Osnat comes up with a joke: A Polish lady is getting stared at through her window, her friend suggests to put a curtain up, Polish lady says why can’t he put a curtain up! This earns them their final smiley and Bar/Inna complete the task as well. Off to the detour.
Water detour. Hen/Alon are working very well together, and the brothers are almost there too. The stick guy sticks his stick (say that three times fast) into Hen/Alon’s bucket, and it’s just short. They must go back for more. The brothers, however have much less water than Hen/Alon and must go back too. Hen/Alon make the work quick and joyous and pour their finished bucket into a well as the brothers. Congrats, former pariahs, you’re now first. Hen reads the clue and in the next task, the teams must go to Operi Krakovski ballet studio and dance to Swan Lake in tutus and pointy shoes. But first! U-turn board. Hen/Alon run off to find the U-turn board and it appears to be somewhat hidden, and Hen describes their next segments as “horses running around in a circle.” As they search for 16 Siroka Street, the brothers are finishing their water. Hen/Alon end up back where they started, and this doesn’t look good. The brothers are done, and get their clue. Hen/Alon are still counting numbers. The brothers sneak past them and find out they are not U-turned.
Joke task. What do you call a pretty girl in Poland? A tourist! The ladies laugh, they’ve heard this one, and Tom/Adele get the final smiley. Tom tells them to say hi to his dad and look for him on The Biggest Loser. Adele and the viewing audience go “WTF” as we head to commercial. Damn this episode is long.
Joke task. Team Facebook is finally starting, and they rocket off and get five smileys before I finish typing this sentence. Darn.
Matzo ball detour. Akiva figures out the song “Hava Nagila” and they celebrate. Second song? Nope, eat. Anael knows she’s the cause of the team slowing down, and as Akiva whistles Kill Bill, we get a closeup of Anael’s balls (lol). Fortunately, they get the next song, which is “Siman Tov.” Anakiva head off with the U-turn clue in third. Bar/Inna arrive at the detour and choose water. Osnat/Carmit choose matzo balls. Bar is supporting much of the bar as the girls walk backwards in tandem. Inna, once again, is useless at navigating. The Yemenite ladies get their first note, and Carmit literally says in English “that’s it?” Hee. Time to tuck in, ladies. Carmit immediately asks for some hot pepper or sauce to put on the matzo balls and fakes vomiting. Come on, Carmit, it’s not that bad. Of course, Carmit struggles. Osnat finishes but feels gypped.
Streets of Krakow. Hen/Alon are super lost and resort to finding a cab. Alon slams his forehead. Careful, racers! Hen is disappointed in her husband and they bicker a little. Fortunately, since they know that this argument is going to amount to nil, they stew silently as Alon voiceovers about their home life. Commercial.
Water detour. Bar/Inna are making some progress. Hen/Alon FINALLY find the u-turn board, and they’re happy it’s not them. Anakiva make the same discovery. Adele and Tom make it to the detour and choose water. Adele navigates them and they go all of five seconds before bickering. It’s difficult for them, as opposed to Bar/Inna, since at least Bar/Inna are the same height, whereas Tom is like a giant to little Adele. Bar looks like she’s about to pass out as Inna loads the water. It’s pretty painful to watch. To her credit, Inna jumps back in. They make it to the end, and now they must put it on the ground, and Inna accidentally drops herself and Bar drops the bar. All that effort, and barely a drop in the bucket. They opt to switch detours, sopping wet.
Matzo ball detour. Carmit is slowly eating her matzo balls as Osnat bitches at her. They voice over that Osnat’s the quick one and Carmit is “slow ocean.” Heh. Carmit finishes and apologizes to the musician that they’re Yemenite not Polish. Another musical note, and the ladies must eat again. Carmit threatens to puke. One more note, and the ladies are stumped…but in an epiphany, Carmit shockingly starts singing “Hava Nagila” (which is correct) and they must get up and dance, of course. Next song, and a sigh from Carmit.
Water detour. Tom/Adele note that the girls went away, so maybe now they’ll focus better. Adele botches a turn and a bucket goes flying and ends up on the ground. Adele runs back to get it, and they start dumping. They must’ve gotten a lot of water, since they don’t even use all their buckets. They find the u-turn board in fourth…but wait! We must watch the girls eat. Bar/Inna hear their first note. Bar makes up a song, Inna sings and claps along, and their musician looks utterly disgusted. No love for the ladies. Commercial.
Team Facebook arrives at the detour and choose water. They start off quickly but Pundak steers himself into a pole and knocks a bucket off. Back at the matzo balls, Inna daintily eats. They get “Hava Nagila.” Back at the U-turn board, Tom/Adele discover that they’ve been U-turned by Bar/Inna, Brothers, and Yemenites. They head to the matzo balls and Tom feels like self-destructing. Good strategy to U-turn a team that’s going to likely sabotage themselves, folks. They start eating. Tom guesses “If You’re Happy and You Know It” and Adele claps, but they’re wrong. Adele suggests another song, but it’s wrong as well. Tom’s all “I had fifteen years of piano.” Back at Bar/Inna, they get “Siman Tov.” Back at the buckets, Moti/Pundak finish, now in sixth. Both teams are safe at the U-turn board.
Matzo balls. Carmit is slowly eating, as usual, and Osnat’s upset. They do, however, get the “Siman Tov” song, and head for the U-turn board. They’re safe, and now Osnat’s pulling Carmit along by the hand, literally, like a red wagon. Uh-oh. It’s time for the first Yemenite Breakdown, sponsored by Killer Fatigue. They argue so quick I can barely keep up, but Carmit accuses Osnat of treating her like a daughter and Osnat yells at Carmit for lollygagging and being the dead weight she is. Back at the matzo balls, Adele’s crying again. Tom argues with the musician, and Adele. Adele tearfully eats her matzo balls and this is getting boring. Tom describes them as being disheartened as they were passed up by both the blondes and the crazy moms (who should be behind them had Tom/Adele not been U-turned) and they’re sad. Meanwhile? Crazy moms, still fighting in the background. More Yemenite arguing, same topics. Tom/Adele, and Adele is a tiny little woman (Monica Geller) and can eat no more matzo balls. Bell. Commercial. Oh, wait, are we done? I guess so.
Off to episode 9…