I missed the last 15 minutes Texan..we had storms and the cable got knocked out..
I'll have to catch the reairing..the pearl necklace thing is just too funny
Thanks for dropping by. As you may or may not have seen, episode two starts off right where Episode one left off...with the production staff sh*%ting bricks over Ingrid's suspicions. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, go read the synopsis from episode one. I'll wait. Okay, are you back? Good.
So episode two opens with the production staff and network executives debating over what to do about hurricane Ingrid, a category 5 hurricane that is threatening to decimate our peaceful domicile. For those of you who don't spend your Saturday nights watching the Weather Channel and subsequently aren't familiar with hurricane classifications, a category 5 has winds in excess of 155 mph, storm surges over 18 feet, and according to the National Hurricane Center...is considered to be catastrophic. Now you may be asking yourself: 'why is Brian going to such great lengths to compare Ingrid to a hurricane?' My answer...because if you missed episode two then you didn't have the good fortune of seeing our little Joe Schmo world being ripped apart like a Soprano family snitch by the sh*t storm of suspicion brought on Ms. Ingrid...if you're nasty.
All right, you get the picture there's a lot of debate over what to do about Ingrid. Do we leave her in? Or pull her out? In? Out? In? Out? Who says we're not the network for men?! Ultimately we decide to leave her in, but warn the actors to keep Tim away from her suspicious ramblings and when all else fails...deny, deny, deny. Deny ain't just a river in Egypt. Or something like that.
During lunch, Ambrosia (our resident Omarosa), following the orders of the production staff, decides to get her 'bitch-on.' She basically calls out Ingrid in front of the whole group for her constant talking. Ingrid, no slouch in her own right, decides it's time for her and Ambrosia to have a little one-on-one time, (cue classic Hall & Oates mega-hit 'One on One'). During their little pow-wow, Ambrosia brings the hammer down on Ingrid's questioning of everything...I thought I'd never have occasion to say the following phrase, but I do and I will...Ambrosia, you go girl. And Ingrid handles the criticism like a champion. In fact, she claimed she was going to let her suspicions go. Uh...yeah...we'll see how that works out.
Meanwhile, Tim, off with the others, made a small insignificant comment, that I feel compelled to shine a light on. He said Ambrosia really 'lit the wick.' That may seem innocuous now, but when you see the men's eviction ceremony it will seem eerily prophetic. If you saw the show you know what I mean, if not you'll see what I mean later. Just remember Tim said that...'lit the wick.'
Later, T.J. catches Tim alone and explains to him that on the previous night, Bryce had tried to hypnotize him. That's right. We've got a creepy-stalker character on the show who's not only already in love with Piper, and handing out live frogs for gifts, but he's also now trying to use hypnosis he learned from a local junior college on his fellow housemates. And guess what...our friend Bryce hasn't even begun to get creepy. I have to say that writing for this character was very fun.
So T.J. talks Tim into playing a little trick on Bryce. They get Bryce to hypnotize the two of them and agree that whatever he tells them to do under hypnosis, they're going to do. This way, Bryce thinks his hypnosis works. Well, while Bryce has them 'under his spell,' he tells Tim and T.J. that whenever he says the words 'dog paddle' they're going to itch all over and need to scratch themselves. Those words again...'dog paddle.' Now Tim believes that Bryce believes that he has hypnotized Tim and T.J. It's absolute insanity.
This little rouse comes to fruition at dinner. Every time Bryce says 'dog paddle' Tim and T.J. start scratching like a couple of sailors after a weekend furlough in Bangkok. And of course they've told everyone else in the house about their prank on Bryce. Even Ingrid is in on the joke. Bryce on the other hand, thinks he's the next Kreskin, grinning ear to ear, convinced he's hypnotized Tim and T.J. But when he finds out the guys were playing a joke...the grinning stops...and the sulking begins. The event sends Bryce into full 'creep-mode.'
Next, it's another falcon twist! Montecore, as he is wont to do, delivers a message one-part pleasure and one-part bleak. The bad news is: there will be an eviction ceremony in the evening where a man is going home. The good news is: it's game time! You know what that means: scantily clad, lubed up contestants in ***ually provocative poses on yoga mats by the pool.
Before we can get to the game, there's a little Montecore tribute. Here it is in a nutshell: Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! That's the sound of Montecore's beak slamming into plate glass doors. Apparently, to a falcon, glass looks an awful lot like air. We suspect Montecore is either suicidal or stupid as f*%k. Either way...we're laughing. This helps establish the fact that Derek and Montecore don't like working with one another. Did I mention that Derek Newcastle is a f-ing genius?
During the group lunch, the housemates take part in some scholarly discourse on t*ts... namely Ingrid and Cammy's t*ts, all four of which are impressively ample, to say the least. Tim is kind enough to name Cammy's t*ts 'Baskin and Robbins.' (I'll take mine with some chocolate syrup and rainbow sprinkles...no cup...no cone. Thank you.)
Now, it's game time! The long and short of it is everyone, under the watchful eyes of Austin and Piper, must strike a freaky yoga pose by the pool. The person who holds their pose the longest wins a fabulous vacation package. The players are allowed to distract one another once they're out. Tim was distracted into the pool by 'Baskin and Robbins.' Apparently he's lactose intolerant. Ambrosia and Ingrid are the final two...Ingrid, after getting tea-bagged by T.J., drops out...so Ambrosia wins.
Being as this is supposed to be a dating show...we thought we'd go ahead and have ourselves a date. You know how on the 'Bachelor' they send their couples to exotic islands, lush romantic hideaways, and cozy mountainside resorts in hopes of sparking a love connection? Well, on 'Last Chance For Love' we went to the far reaches of the backyard.
Before you judge, let me tell you this is no ordinary backyard. It's a vineyard. That is if by vineyard you mean a pile of unattended topsoil covered in dry, dead, thorny brambles. It's a veritable barren wasteland. Perhaps there is sometime during the year this pathetic patch of scrub brush bears grapes...but it ain't during Joe Schmo season. Seriously this vineyard looks like a post-apocalyptic -Uncle-Remus-style brier patch, sans the furry rabbit. Remember that Christmas tree from 'A Charlie Brown Christmas?' Imagine a plot of dirt covered in those. You get the picture.
On this 'date,' Derek Newcastle waxes philosophical about wineries, wine-making, wine-tasting etc... The only problem is that Derek doesn't know sh*t about wine. But our friend Ernie the heir is there to correct him every step of the way. By the end of the date, Derek is ready to pummel know-it-all Ernie. Tim and Ingrid fall hook, line, and sinker into this little squabble. Ingrid even goes so far as to signal Ernie to shut up. Hmmm...Pot to Kettle: 'you sure are black.'
During the wine tasting portion of the date, Austin decides to go ahead and give Cammy, aka Baskin and Robbins, some special attention. If by special attention you mean public molestation. And as you might imagine, weepy Eleanor eventually starts crying...and Ingrid starts consoling...and judging. Ultimately, Austin does the right thing and apologizes to Eleanor...and then goes right back to mauling Cammy. Ingrid goes right back to judging Austin.
The date ends with some grape crushing, where the normally body-shy Ernie has a personal breakthrough that empowers him to go shirtless in the barrels. This scene in a word: boobs. Just imagine...Ingrid, Baskin, Robbins, and a shirtless Ernie each bouncing up and down in barrels...a little slice of heaven. Gotta be gay Gerald, who spent the earlier part of the date rubbing Austin's shoulders and pectorals, can't crush grapes until he puts on his aqua-socks. Seems, our friend Gerald is a fella what hates germs. Don't forget that little point...it's significant...eventually.
While everyone else was partnered with someone in the grape barrels, Bryce ended up alone in the barrel next to Tim and Piper. Bryce took this opportunity to sulk his way into a deep, dark depression only to be lifted up to the highest of highs every time Piper so much as looked in his direction. It was a ballet of bi-polarity the likes of which the world hasn't seen since Sylvia Plath. (Google if needs be).
Finally, we reach the 'flame of love' eviction ceremony where one of the men is going home. The drama builds as the suitors wait for Derek's entrance...and wait...and wait...and wait. Seriously he takes forever to come in. Now, the guys for their ceremony have these gigantic candles...I mean huge...like the size of a really, really fat Siamese cat or a really, really undersized Shetland pony. Each of the guys holds his candle at crotch level with the wick protruding proudly towards the firmament...except for T.J. who holds his as if he were taking a piss with it.
If Piper lights their wick, they stay. If their wick remains untouched...they go home. Remember back when I said to remember that Tim said Ambrosia really 'lit the wick?' That phrase was oddly prophetic don't ya' think? Ingrid thinks she knows everything, but maybe Tim is the one we should be worried about!!
Just like the women the night before, each guy has an opportunity to make his plea. T.J. makes a dick joke, Gerald remarks about Piper's beautiful dress, Ernie speaks from the heart, Tim is sincerely Tim, and Bryce reads Piper a poem he's etched from the confines of his disturbed heart, entitled:
Love is a many splendored thing
and this is our beginning.
Two worlds once lived apart
no longer are we ala carte.
Here was you, there was me
together two we now make a we.
Choose me and you won't ever be sorry
because we can go on a love safari.
Take my hand make me your fella
and i'll love you beyond plethora.
Tim's jaw was on the floor. He officially hates Bryce.
Despite Ernie's wealth of knowledge he does not get his wick lit and is asked to leave the house. Right after Derek not-so-kindly reminds Ernie that while he may not be the first person asked to leave the house, he is technically the first man out of the house. The episode ends with Ingrid saying, 'it's getting a little more real, huh?' Phew...it's about time she came around. Finally, Ingrid is off our back and we're off the hook! Or are we? The tease for next week's show has our good friend Ingrid telling Cammy that it's all 'unbelievable.'
See 'ya next week.
brian keith etheridge