I'll see if I could find you a recap Texan ;)I'm guessing that they will give Randi the 1 million anyway?http://www.fox.com/bigfat/
MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS FIANCÉ
EPISODE ONE RECAP
(Setting: A FOX conference room full of bigwigs.)
Ted: So get this. It’s a little risky, but I want to start this episode five minutes late. 9pm is for squares! The American Idol audience will have no choice but to watch!
(The room is silent. Suddenly, a lone clap is heard. Clap. Clap. Clap. The applause grows and grows until it becomes deafening.)
Bill: Well, Ted. You’ve done it again. You’ve knocked it out of the ballpark. The bar has been raised. The paradigm has been shifted. Forget “out of the box.” You just made a new box. Kudos.
Under cover of night, a woman named Randi is arriving at a “spectacular estate” (or so says our host, the lovely Miss Claudia DiFolco). Randi has been isolated from the world for two and a half weeks, and has been told only that she’ll be involved in some sort of reality show. Yikes! But don’t fret, fellas! She’s single, and ready for romance!
Claudia tells us that Randi must trick her whole family into thinking that she’s marrying a man she’s just met. She’ll believe that her partner in crime is another reality show contestant, but he’s really a professional actor trained to do one thing: be as obnoxious as possible. Only on FOX, folks!
The limo pulls up. An attractive attendant girl gives Randi a bouquet of flowers and a “why the $%&# wasn’t I cast in this show” death glare. Another girl gives Randi a wedding train. Randi starts to put two and two together. What up, yo?
Ok, now it’s getting serious, as a wedding-ish headpiece is slapped on. Our girl’s freaked. Claudia casually tells Randi that tonight she’s gonna get engaged!
Randi’s head explodes.
“Tonight you’ll be paired up with a complete stranger,” says Claudia. We’re treated to a view of ten hot guys, standing in two rows of five each. Claudia informs the Rand-ster that while she was in seclusion, her loved ones were informed of her involvement in a reality show. Her task now is to make her friends and family believe that she fell in love on this “show,” and that she's marrying her new beau twelve days from today. Zoinks! That’s crazy! Crazy like a…FOX!
“Oh, it gets better,” says Claudia. Randi must ensure that her mom, dad, brothers and sister all attend the ceremony. If she pulls it off, she wins $500,000 (half for her and half for her family). BUT…if anyone refuses to attend or formally objects to the marriage during the ceremony, she don’t get %$&#.
It’s time to pick a hot guy! The gentlemen all introduce themselves as the audience at home giggles in anticipation of “that fat dude.” These ten guys are real pieces of work, and doubtlessly are all carrying flip-phones, reading The Da Vinci Code and playing Madden 2004.
Claudia warns Randi to choose wisely, as the wrong choice will result in rapid aging/death and a sassy one-liner from a cave-dwelling immortal. Randi must remember that she’ll be snuggling, hugging and kissing this guy in front of her closest peeps. She picks three guys named Jeff, Nick and Scott (though we’ll call them Jake, Buck and Todd).
The rest of the guys file out. “What a waste,” says Claudia, in a very telling “meta” moment. And then there were three. Cue the violins. “Oh yeah, there’s just one thing,” Claudia says slyly. We, uh, picked your fiancé for you. All of a sudden some bizarre low-frequency version of Willy Wonka’s “Oompa-Loompa” whistle kicks in.
A spotlight hits the curtain behind the three hot guys, and the only way to describe what happens next is simply to call it a ghoulish hybrid of Johnny Carson’s worst monologue entrance nightmare and the explosive antics of the Kool-Aid Man. It’s Steve, butt-scratching his way into our collective hearts and minds!
Randi is in Stage One cardiac arrest.
Claudia invites Steve to come on over. He’s a portly fellow with wild hair, and he’s wearing a tux two sizes too small. Oh, and he has white socks on (with black shoes)! Fashion faux pas alert! Somebody’s gonna make Mr. Blackwell’s list this year!
Randi’s doing her best not to become FOX’s first on-air suicide. Ok, romance-lovers…savor their first exchange:
Randi: Nice to meet you!
Steve: Nice to meet you!
(Both parties cackle)
Randi: Are you freaking out?
Steve: Oh yeah.
(Both parties cackle)
Steve? First impressions? “Well, she’s hot,” he cackles. Randi? “Uh, you have very pretty eyes,” she says diplomatically. We see an interview scene with Randi in which she tells us that her family will think she’s lost her mind. As a sidenote, her title card (which belongs in the title card hall of fame) says:
“Bride” / Doesn’t Know Steve is an Actor
Claudia tells the happy couple that they wanted to find two people that were a little bit of a mis-match for one another. And they did it! In spades! Randi asks Steve if he can pull this off. Steve’s all for it. One caveat though: if either of them tells anyone that they’re not really in love, or that there’s a million bucks at stake, it’s game over. They agree. Suckers!
Time to make it official. Steve gets down on one knee, coughs up a little phlegm and pops the question. “Yes,” she says, mentally replacing Steve’s face with a bathtub full of gold coins.
But wait! Steve’s putting the ring on her right hand! That goofball! He can’t get anything right, can he?
Per Claudia, the con starts…now!
The couple takes a house tour with Claudia. Unbeknownst to Randi, Steve has been in the house for three days practicing his wacky brand of physical comedy. Randi’s admiration of the house is cut short by Steve, as he opens the fridge looking for beer, but ends up slamming a can of Cool-Whip.
In Randi’s room, Steve violently flings himself onto her bed. Randi calls him a dopey cartoon character (Editor’s Note: with a heart of gold!). Steve says that this bed is where “Randi gets randy.” Woah, woah. This is a family show.
Steve tells us that he feels a little dirty doing this to her. To be honest, I feel a little dirty watching. Nothing a few brews can’t wash away, though. Am I right, buddy?
In an effort to be neighborly, Steve yells out “your house sucks!” and “our house kicks your house’s ass!” in the general direction of the property across the street. How much more can Randi take?!?
We move to Steve’s bedroom. There’s a bidet in it, so based on the rules of comedy you know he’s either gonna a) “do his business” in it or b) accidentally spray himself in the face. We’re treated to the latter.
When Claudia takes Randi to see the house’s lovely balcony, Steve cackles to the camera and intentionally smashes a vase. “Nothing goes right for the kid,” she says. Little does she know!!!
After telling us that she’s starting to think Steve’s “not the total package,” it’s time to say goodnight. Steve wants a goodnight kiss. She wants someone to take him down with a tranquilizer dart.
Rise and shine, kids! After realizing that Steve wasn’t just a demon haunting her dreams, Randi is determined to treat Steve like one of her students (oh yeah, she’s a teacher…FYI). A fat student. She’s gonna let him know what needs to be done to “pass the test” that is...MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS FIANCÉ!
In the other room, someone from the show’s production team is helping Steve shove Kleenex in his nose to further enhance his “gross factor.” Steve and his bloody Kleenex piece wish Randi a good morning, then proceed to load up a plate full of meat. Steve asks her if she’d like a Mimosa. Randi doesn’t drink. Steve’s having one anyway (so there)! And you know what else? He’s gonna eat a steak with it!
Randi’s had enough. Stopping Steve in mid-bite, she tells him that he simply can’t act like this in front of her family. He’s gonna blow the whole thing!
He promises that he’ll be on his best behavior, and she says that he should try to ingratiate himself with her sister. Steve warns her to stay away from his sister, as she once chased him down the street with a butcher knife. Wait a minute! This family sounds just dysfunctional enough to warrant a sitcom. Get FOX on the horn!
Randi wonders what his parents will think of her. They’ll probably be like “what’s with the hot chick,” says Steve, as all of his previous chicks have been “a little run down.” Randi is shocked that Steve still parties hard at age 29. Steve says that he doesn’t drink a lot, but he begrudgingly admits that there are occasions when he wakes up and “it takes me a long time to figure out where the hell I am.” He’s like Mick Jagger!
Claudia breaks up the get-together by bringing in the couple’s wedding invitations. Randi nearly loses consciousness when Claudia informs her that the invitations will be mailed tomorrow, and that all of her friends and family will be under the impression that the wedding is 100% real. “Sure you don’t want a Mimosa now?” asks Steve. Lord knows I do.
We’re at a spa, and Randi and Steve are on their first date! After all, they’ve gotta walk the walk if they’re gonna talk the talk, or something to that effect. Steve’s nearly naked on the massage table and Randi’s having a hard time relaxing, largely since he’s dropping verbal chestnuts like “now she’s playing with my backfat” and “think about baseball…think about baseball.”
Randi’s concerned that Steve’s getting a little too into his role of fake fiancé. Her suspicion is confirmed when he knocks on her door and declares that seeing him naked would greatly enhance the authenticity of the con. Randi disagrees. Violently. Nevertheless, Steve strips to his underwear and dazzles the American public with a rump-shaking, gut-rippling series of interpretive dance moves.
Randi isn’t coming out of her room. Maybe ever. She’s freaking out. Steve’s loving it. The con is on!
Back at the house, Steve wants to share a bottle of wine before bed. Randi doesn’t. She doesn’t understand him. She feels like he’s a child with ADD. “Tone it down,” she tells him. She means business!
While Randi tells us that she wants to go home, Steve (clad only in Hawaiian shorts with a towel over his shoulders) is stumbling down the staircase with a bottle of wine. It’s hot tub time here on MBFOF! He’s shouting “Randi! Randi! Randi!” like Stanley’s plea to Stella in Streetcar (if Streetcar was on after the premiere of American Idol).
Randi is in tears. “Put on your bikini, baby!” screams Steve. She’s losing it. Her face is in her hands. Steve, now in the hot tub after a dramatic “fat guy going in the water!” splash, grins devilishly while sipping his…wait for it…wait for it…bathtub gin! That’s it for tonight ladies and gentlemen!
-Steve wants to call Randi by a pet name. Randi wants Steve to not be fat and obnoxious.
-Steve isn’t trying to sleep with Randi for real, but admits that he would if he had to.
-Steve steals a first kiss in front of the wedding planner. Randi can’t do anything about it, and must resign herself to a ride on the Steve-a-tron.
-Randi must present Steve to her best friend. Five bucks says she’s shocked. You heard it here first.
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