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The real all-star game
Will Richard woo Colby? Is Jerri still a total cow? The just-revealed All-Stars cast begs the questions
The Edmonton Journal
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
EDMONTON - Villains, sneaks, hunks and hotties will abound on Survivor All-Stars, but how can you call it an all-star contest when Survivor's foulest of the foul, Jon "Jonny Fairplay" Dalton, and its sexiest sex symbol, Colleen Haskell, aren't going to appear?
Haskell refused to apply for the show, as she came to detest the strange distortion celebrity brought to her life after her star turn on the first-ever Survivor on Pulau Tiga.
As for Johnny Fairplay -- the contestant who famously lied about the death of his own grandmother to win sympathy on the most recent Survivor -- perhaps he was considered too sleazy even by Survivor standards.
Exhibit A, Jon's recent interview with TVGO:
Question: What did you hope to get out of Survivor? Did you want to be famous or just take on a challenge?
Answer: Oh no. Definitely fame. TV and film. I want to work with that Paris Hilton chick. I saw a video with her the other day, and I want to do something like that, hopefully.
Even without Fairplay, Survivor All-Star, filmed off the coast of Panama in the Pearl Islands and set to debut on CBS/Global after the Super Bowl Feb. 1, is so loaded with nasties that it's rumoured numerous lawsuits are being contemplated as a result of foul play during the competition.
The All-Stars roster officially released Monday by CBS was one of the worst-kept secrets in show business, as various Internet sites had already uncovered the 18 finalists and the show's three-team structure.
Yet the endless possibilities for catfighting, back-stabbing and signs-the-apocalypse-is-nigh bad behaviour remain intriguing.
How might things unfold? Here's a look at each tribe.
Most likely to fist fight? Musclebound Alicia Calaway and pig-headed Sue Hawk.
Most likely to be labelled as a 'dung beetle'? If Kelly Wiglesworth was a rat and Richard Hatch a snake, then Hawk will surely see back-stabbing wimp Rob Cesternino for what he is.
Power alliance? Old fart Tom Buchanan, Hawk and Calaway are all middle-aged workaholics. They'll team up against Cesternino and gorgeous dim-bulb Amber Brkich, who appeared semi-clothed in Stuff, thus qualifying her for All-Stars.
Most likely to win? Rob Mariano. Boston Rob is a smart-mouthed, charismatic sneak. He'll suck up to the workaholics, seduce Amber and lead the others in voting out Cesternino.
Most likely to get voted out first? Jerri Manthey, the female version of Johnny Fairplay. Everyone else in this tribe is a hard worker and, by all appearances, a decent person. Jerri will stand out as the scheming celebrity wannabe that she is.
Power alliance? This tribe is cast to be the big happy family of the island, with Rudy Boesch as the crabby but respected gramps, hyper Rupert and wily Tina as dad and mom, Jenna Lewis and Ethan Zohn as the sweet young couple, and Jerri as the black sheep. Jerri will make numerous lewd comments about Ethan, a favourite of Survivor's female fans, but will get no further than she did
Most likely to win? Rupert. While All-Stars was being filmed, he was being broadcast on Survivor: Pearl Islands, meaning the other All-Stars competitors never saw his performance. He's an unknown to them, a big advantage. Plus, he'll be able to find trusted allies in his trustworthy tribe.
Strangest love affair on the island? Richard Hatch and Colby Donaldson. No doubt, Richard's only demand about appearing on this show was that he share a grass hut with Colby. When Survivor: Australia was aired, the gay Hatch was a commentator and made about 10,000 lust-drenched comments about the Colbster, a muscular Texan.
Most likely to go first? Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien. Everyone will be shooting for Richard, the most famous Survivor of them all, but Kathy is a wreck, physically weak and prone to emotional fits.
Power alliance? Toughest tribe to figure out. It's most likely that everyone here will work as a free agent, though Richard might convince the treacherous Shii Ann Huang to be a partner in slime.
Most likely to win? Shii Ann. She's smart, devious and poses no obvious physical firstname.lastname@example.org
OUTWIT, OUTPLAY, OUTSTAY YOUR WELCOME
Here's a breakdown of Survivor: All-Stars' three tribes, what competitors are up to now and how they finished in previous incarnations of the pop-culture mainstay.
- Alicia Calaway, 35, New York lifestyle reporter, 8th place in Australia
- Amber Brkich, 25, Pennsylvania model, 5th in Australia
- Sue Hawk, 42, Las Vegas juice bar owner, 4th Pulau Tiga
- Rob Cesternino, 25, Plainview, New York stand-up comic, 3rd Amazon
- Robert Mariano, 28, Boston construction foreman, 9th Marquesas
- Tom Buchanan, 48, Virginia goat farmer, 4th Africa
- Ethan Zohn, 30, New York soccer promoter, 1st Africa
- Jenna Lewis, 26, Los Angeles actress, 7th Pulau Tiga
- Jerri Manthey, 33, Los Angeles actress, 9th Australia
- Rudy Boesch, 76, Virginia Beach retired Navy SEAL, 3rd Pulau Tiga
- Rupert Boneham, 40, Indiana social worker, 7th Pearl Islands
- Tina Wesson, 42, Tennessee motivational speaker, 1st Australia
- Richard Hatch, 42, Rhode Island corporate trainer, 1st Pulau Tiga
- Colby Donaldson, 29, Los Angeles actor, 2nd Australia
- Shii Ann Huang, 30, New York TV producer, 9th Thailand
- Jenna Morasca, 22, Pennsylvania Playboy playmate, 1st Australia
- Lex van den Berghe, 40, Santa Cruz writer, 3rd Africa
- Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, 50, Vermont realtor, 3rd Marquesas
I thought that it was a pretty funny article! )